There are some things in life that are just too painful, too confusing and too difficult to understand. I just got a reminder of one of those things in my life. And it sucks. My heart flips, my adrenaline kicks in and I go off into all the feels of it. It doesn’t last as long these days but it still sucks. I still ask why me. I still wonder what if. I still wish it could have been different.
This isn’t about Valentine’s Day.
No, my world...my particular world, has never been colored very brightly with romantic gestures. I know I longed for them in the early years of marriage but when they didn’t come I was easily consoled by my need to be okay with that more than my need for colorful gestures. My sense of self was more in line with being very good at not upsetting apple carts. In fact, I was quite proud of my skill. It lingers today but more as a nuisance than something I am proud of actually. But no...
This isn’t about Valentine’s Day
And it isn’t that I am against celebrating Valentine’s Day. In fact, I put on my calendar for today “celebrate” so I had every intention of treating myself to a sweetheart of a day. And for this rainy afternoon in the middle of February, the fact that I am still undressed and unshowered and went back to bed after breakfast...means I am celebrating! For most of this day I am not beholding to anyone or anything and planned to celebrate by going with the flow and doing whatever I please. That is the best present I can give to myself. Being present with myself. So, no...
This isn’t about Valentine’s Day
This is just about being human. It is about being human and enjoying beautiful sunsets that make you want to stop time. It is about being human and being reminded that life isn’t always as pretty as a sunset but you aren’t the only one not seeing sunsets today. It is about being a single solitary human in a world of other single solitary humans (and plants and animals and rocks and dirt and all of life). It is about being a human and that whether you are coupled up with other humans or living alone by consequence or choice that we all have an incredible opportunity here. The opportunity to embrace it all...the good, the bad, the ugly. Accept that reminders of the ugly will creep into your sunsets sometimes and that the opposite is always true too...when we feel like we are surrounded by the ugly parts of life the clouds part and the most glorious sunset is there to help us remember that it is all here and that it all belongs. Sometimes that sunset is your partner or a friend telling you how beautiful you are. And those clouds stealing the color from your eyes might be the grief you feel at the loss of a loved one, or a job, or a flat tire. It all belongs.
This isn’t about Valentine’s Day
It is about all of us. All connected in the web of life here on this amazing planet. About every day and every way we make ourselves and each other feel loved, feel empowered, safe and strong. It is about loving ourselves out of the clouds in a gentle manner so that we don’t lose sight but don’t rush through what is showing up for us in these moments either. It is about enjoying the spectacular sunsets of your life...even on a rainy Valentine’s Day. But then again....
This isn’t about Valentine’s Day
