Black Friday...has a new meaning for me now

I met a beautiful, artistic, and firecracker of a woman in April of this year in a town about an hour away. My husband met her before I did and remarked to me that I would certainly find in her a friend...he said we were cut from the same cloth. We hit it off immediately and had an opportunity in May to spend some time together as we drove four hours for an all day workshop the next day. We talked the entire trip, on breaks from the class and all the way home and found lots in common. Except for one thing. She had breast cancer. She, after being treated harshly and "like a number", by a surgeon in the biggest city in our rural state, decided to go the natural path to wellness. She was seeing a Naturopath doctor and eating only whole foods, drinking teas, taking lots of supplements and other alternative treatments. I, being a nurse, had slightly mixed feelings about her choice but was convinced by her enthusiasm that she was doing the 
right thing for herself. In fact, I grew to admire her decision and applauded her commitment to the strict regimen of her natural treatments. Her husband, who I have not yet met (but sounded a bit like my own), supported her in her decision. Her sisters however, gave her quite the hard time over it and attempted to change her mind at every opportunity. She came from a big family and was the baby so that must have been somewhat intimidating for her. Time went by as it always does and I hadn't seen her since July. I knew at that time that she was having tests done to check the progress of the cancer and make sure things were on track. I never found out the outcome of those tests as they were being put off at the time. In early November I learned that things had gotten much worse for her and that she was in hospital in and that the town was having a benefit to help raise money for her hospital bills. One person told me..."at least she is now getting treatment", which I took to mean 
chemotherapy. She must have been feeling so defeated. I prayed for her but did not make the three hour journey to visit her in hospital as our time together was so brief I felt like it was a time for family and not a passing (if not friendly) stranger. Last night I heard at my own dinner table that she passed away on Friday...BLACK Friday to be exact. She left behind her husband and one son, in his early to mid 20's who was attending university. I am so saddened by this news. No, we didn't have a long history together but there was certainly a connection. One of those connections where, when you meet, you feel like you had known them your whole life.

I am still proud of my friend for making the decision she made in treating her body of this horrid disease. She didn't fail. She succumbed in the end but not without taking a journey that she might never had taken otherwise. She found that life is more than mean people, more than being a number, and more than just doing what you are told to do by those who consider themselves the authority. I will miss her, I already do. 

Grandkids come to the Mesa!

 My son Josh and wife, Nichole and their boys Jamie and Landen came to visit last week. It is a 16 hour drive and my daughter in law is pregnant so it was a an awesome gift that they gave us in coming. Plus they brought our granddaughter, their niece, Annie, which was very generous indeed. We are so grateful to them for making the long trek...here are some of the highlights from the visit.

 Our granddaughter Annie is a beauty and a charmer. Her beautiful smile will win over the worst of moods on anyone! Our DIL Nichole, who is having yet another boy, spent 20 minutes blow-drying and curling her lovely hair. I snapped the photo before the evidence of the hard work disappeared.

 These 3 kiddos can ham it up at a moment's notice and they do a pretty good job don't you think?! After this shot we went for a picnic on Rainwalker Mesa while the parents went to Pie Town for lunch and PIE!!

 Grampa is having just way too much fun here!! Hang on tight kids!

 The great grandparents got a visit too. Nice to have us all on one mesa top eh? Josh and Nichole helped Grandpa and Grandma paint a doorway and put up a screen door on their new house. Thanks guys!!

 So, here is my favorite part...Annie is singing while Jamie plays the guitar in the background. You know I am in heaven here!!! Annie loved the microphone. She was hesitant at first but she really got the hang of it. Jamie just beamed with a guitar in his hand. Someday I hope, as he gets a little older, that he picks it up again and outshines his Emma in his talent and ability! In the meantime I have written another song that I have dedicated to him. 

 Annie and our newest family member, Kittybird, hit it off nicely. Kittybird takes a lovely picture doesn't she?

 We went on a quick hike at the Datil Well before going to milk the goat that provides me with the milk I drink. The kids loved Emma's goat milk!! Yay!

Emma and Jamie at the Luna Rodeo. The kids had never been to a rodeo before and it was quite a hit! Our visit was very special and many wonderful memories were made. 

It is hard to explain what it is like to have grandchildren. They are more than the children of your children but at the same time that is what makes it so special. Thank you to all my children for giving me this pleasure in my life!

One Last Request

Twenty five years ago today I gave birth to my second son, Joshua Ray. Twenty five years ago I had a friend named Janet dying of brain cancer. Janet was 24, married but had no children of her own. We had been friends since I let her cheat on a math test in 10th grade...my first year in Arkansas. She was a fun loving person and we were very good friends. She got married young and so did I and as life would have it we saw each other less frequently as time went on. She was diagnosed with cancer while I was in Nursing school and when she had the surgery I went to her house and did dressing changes...scared out of my mind, I was! I took her to some of her radiation appointments and watched as she realized it wasn't helping.
Sometime during my pregnancy with Josh she asked me, what was for her, a huge favor...would I name my baby after her if I had a girl. Her name was Janet May and I so wanted to fulfill her request and finally settled on Tracy Janette as a way to honor her. The one thing I wanted to know about this child growing inside me was if indeed I was having a daughter. I already had a son and really did want a little girl but mostly wanted like we all do...a healthy child. My baby was due to be born on November 25th and that November was a long one. I had several ultrasounds and each time the baby was turned so that the sex of the child was a mystery. I actually fell once late in the pregnancy and had even more look-sees to make sure everything was alright and still...the mystery. November 25th came and went and no birth. Every day I waited for those contractions to start but they didn't come. Finally, on December 5th my doctor put me in the hospital to induce labor. They did indeed induce false labor but still my baby didn't budge! They stopped the medicine and said if I didn't deliver over night they would send me back home! I was 10 days overdue and they were going to send me home? I was a bit frustrated and overwhelmed by then but as soon as the clock struck the new day...now officially December 6th and also as fate would have it, Janet's birthday, I started into labor. The nurses realized the physical reason for my delay in delivering my baby...a breach birth was imminent and at 4 in the morning they wheeled me off to deliver with a C-section room set up just in case. I delivered that baby without the aid of surgery at 4:40 Am on December 6th and finally was able to see for myself that I would not be able to fulfill her last request. Joshua Ray was born and within a minute I looked up at his father and said...this will be my last child, no more, I'm done! I don't know when it hit me that I may not have had a girl that I could name after Janet but I had him on her last birthday. I held my excitement and waited until 7 that morning to call her. She lived another 5 months but that morning she was the most excited I had ever seen her. She came to see Josh and myself that morning and it was so evident that she was succumbing to the cancer in her body except for that sparkle in her eyes and the smile so big on her face. I felt like I had given her a gift after all even though I really had nothing to do with it except go with the flow. 
Thanks for being my friend Janet May Howell and gracing me with your fun and always real self. I have told this story of you and my son having the same birthday at least 25 times as every year on his birthday my thoughts turn to you. Rest in peace Janet.
Happy birthday my beautiful son. You were kept inside me 11 extra days by the pull of that wonderful all-knowing Universe and its everlasting wisdom. It is snowing outside as I look out the window this morning just as it did then...remembering that day twenty five years ago when in ways I hadn't imagined, I fulfilled that one last request. I love you so much!

A holiday greeting

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Distractions

Distraction

What a road I have followed

ever winding and long

distraction has taken me 

to places that were wrong

they were scary

they were sad

they were crazy 

 they were bad

but I have you figured out

distraction of my mind

you tried to protect me

make me think things were real

when you thought I couldn't cope

with the things I needed to feel

so now I am on to you

and the pain has gone away

distraction is no longer with me

I am free for many a day

Our Victimness

Have you ever been a victim? Most of us probably have at one point or another in our lives and for a lot of folks it started in their childhood. Are you still a victim? That is the question isn't it? If you have ever been victimized did you get over it? Did you work through it and forgive yourself and the victimizer? Or do you carry with you at all times the hurt and anger still buried inside waiting for the next opportunity to rear it's ugly head? I always say there are two kinds of people in this world but once a decade or more ago I realized there are probably more...maybe 12 or 16. I think I settled on 16 back then. So, if there are 16 type of people in this world I am betting that at least one of those types are the people that hang on to being a victim. They were probably hurt more than other types of people that first time. Maybe they were abused as children with either violence or incest, maybe they were raped, assaulted or a victim of war, or other extreme violence. Some of these folks may have even repressed the original victimizing moment in their lives because it was too hard or they were too young to deal with the emotions it induced. Whatever the cause they are stuck. They continue to be a victim. They may be a victim to their bodies, to their relationships, to their financial situation, to their health, weight, wellness (or lack thereof) or to their job, living situation, family situation...do you see, the list is probably endless. Once a person gets stuck in the victim role it is very hard to get themselves out and why should they even try? I mean, it isn't their fault right? Someone did this to them, someone or something caused them hurt and now that is what they know in life to be the root feeling of their existence  Does that mean they are never happy? Of course not but it does mean that for them pain and suffering is a normal part of their life that they accept as their lot. They may view life as a struggle...did they struggle a lot in their first trauma? They may view life as a weight around their necks...did they feel heavy, deadened in that first hurt? They may view life as painful...were they physically beaten or hurt in that first traumatic experience? Now fast forward to many years later...are they always struggling now, are they overweight and cannot lose it no matter what or do they have chronic illness, pain or physical ailments? Their victimness keeps getting transferred to the many stages of life as they continue moving forward but still they are stuck.

Is there an answer? How can they move past the victimness and into a life where they are no longer victim to life's everyday-ness? I am not sure that they can but it seems to me that they should be able to forgive, forget, let go, and love themselves into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be. 

I am writing this with a migraine headache. I was victimized at a young age, I was hurt and I have had chronic pain all of my adult life. I continue to live in my victimness even though I am blessed with a wonderful life. I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful family and many beautiful loving friends. I live in paradise, I have a perfect job and I am for the most part very healthy. I am one of the 16 kinds of people that continue to hurt though. I have been trying to find cures for my pain for a very long time. I have been so very depressed at times that I have even thought of ending my life to get rid of the pain. My victimness is my body (my back, legs, neck, head, tummy, and pelvis) all of the parts of me that hurt chronically and for the most part daily!! Can I forgive, forget, let go, and love myself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be? 

My very best friend in the whole wide world, my husband, told me not long ago that he has absolute faith in his body to heal, to be in good health, and when he does have pain he knows in his core that it will go away. Maybe he is a victim too and it isn't manifested in his body but let's just stick to his way of thinking for this (my) example and ponder...is that the answer? Is it a belief in me that somehow during that initial trauma that my body failed me? That I don't have the faith that my body will heal, be in a state of health, or recover from pain? Just writing those words caused in me a stirring, a memory maybe of what beliefs I held in that moment living through that trauma. It rings true. How can I change that belief now? My body did not betray me...life did not betray me...love did not betray me. Can I forgive, forget, let go, and love myself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be? And now, can I change the belief, probably a belief that I have held secretly from myself for a very, very long time that my body can't be trusted to heal, to love me, to hold me, to keep me safe? Hmmm, just maybe I can. Just maybe I can forgive, forget, let go, and love myself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be AND I can believe that my body will heal, will live in a state of health, will keep me safe, will keep me safe, will keep me safe, will keep me safe. 

What is your victimness? Do you have a story? Are you stuck there? Can you see the pattern in your life? Are you one of the 16 kinds of people on this Earth that feels they were and still are a victim of unfortunate events? IF so, can you forgive, forget, let go, and love yourself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be AND can you believe that whatever part of you remains a victim could now keep you safe? I hope so. I wish you love, understanding and healing. I wish for you the knowing that you have the ability to love and heal yourself, to hold yourself in that love and to know that love is all we need to be in that safe place we so desperately want to feel. We, the victimized can and shall be...the loved, the holders of safety and beauty and the lovers. So, go now, go and love yourself, go and forgive yourself, forget the hurts of the past, let go of your victimness, and love yourself into acceptance of what was (it was only a feeling of not being safe), what is (you are safe now) and what will be (have the faith that you are and will always be safe/love/health/beauty...whatever it is that keeps you stuck. It is no longer real, the threat is long gone...know this and that knowing will set you free. 

Moonbeams and Daydreams

                                        
                                                    

                      Moon beams and day dreams; sitting around in blue jeans

                      Makin magic outta ripples and seams

                      We didn’t choose it, we won’t lose it; don’t even know what it means

Chorus:

One day you plant it, next day you sow it

If you’re lucky it’ll go to seed

Don’t try to fence it or be apprehensive

It’ll be there when you need, just you wait and see

                  Some days you know it, other days you blow it; But it’s all good in the end

                  We’ve been together and as long as I remember

                  Along the way we both had to bend

Chorus:

One day you plant it, next day you sow it

If you’re lucky it’ll go to seed

Don’t try to fence it or be apprehensive

It’ll be there when you need, just you wait and see

                      Life is a lesson, a circle and a blessin’; and if we get to do it again

                      Don’t know if I’ll know you or even get to meet you

                      But if I do I’ll call you friend

Chorus:

One day you plant it, next day you sow it

If you’re lucky it’ll go to seed

Don’t try to fence it or be apprehensive

It’ll be there when you need, just you wait and see