Thursday, June 21, 2018

Sweet Summer Solstice Solitude

(Original photo)
The longest day of the year always seems significant to me. So does the shortest. I am drawn to these unbalanced days as opposed to the Equinox which are actually quite balanced in the respect of daylight hours but that isn’t what attracts me...I don’t think. It is hot and bright on this day in the desert southwest mountains so you might have to squint to keep up with me here. I am talking about energy. The energy exchanged by longer days than nights allowing the growing things to grow while kids on summer vacation splash about in pools of delicious water. In winter the long nights take back what those long days gave us. These exchanges of energy pass by as seasons. Today, I am celebrating the beginning of this season, realizing that I am in a season of huge physical demands, that I am not so used to, by giving myself a cool rest under the air conditioning...yay summer!!
Recently I was in a different season of energy exchange. I had a lovely friend and now very dear friend come visit me twice in the last 6 weeks. We had some amazing discussions, deep insights and transforming experiences together. To say nothing of the live music and dancing we got to experience...that should be another blog post I suppose. 
All the wonderful things we both learned are still jelling in each of us but what I can tell you here is that I found someone like me. Not just like me, that would be silly. No, she is like me in that she and I can feel other people’s energy. I am an empath. She is too. Empath is just one word for someone who is sensitive to the feelings/energies of others. So much so that they can easily lose sense of themselves if they don’t develop good boundaries. I’ve been this way my whole life but didn’t have words for it all until recently so we definitely had food for fodder.
 I can also tell you that as an empath, having another empath for a houseguest is super easy. They know exactly what the other feels/needs, etc. So that part was way cool. And, we both saw this, it was absolutely amazing but also exhausting to have such in tune empath to empath discussions, usually over wine, every evening!! We were both having deep personal stuff going on in our periphery so there was that. All of the processing we did and the insights, we had to keep diving into, to get better clarity about, were deep truths for both of us. Did I say it was amazing? Because it was and we will have lots more opportunities for more of the same. I haven’t know very many people that experience people the way I do. But there are a few in my life and I thank you all for being there.
(Original photo)
Do you ever get told “I love your energy” or “thanks for bringing your energy to the party” or “you’ve got such good energy”? This energy can be a blessing and a curse. It is such a blessing to share this energy with others, especially those you love and care about but also to light up that room at the party. Some people have this really good energy and it is kind of like the summer solstice and having very long days...everything and everyone grows around this energy. People LOVE it and they are really blessed by it. I know I am when I am around people with this energy. 
But people with this type of innate energy usually don’t realize how often they share it. They also aren’t aware that because they can feel energy they can also feel lack, or energy vacuums which they try to fill. They usually just give and give and will often deplete their own energy to their detriment. If they have done it all their lives, like me, it gets real unhealthy and patterns are built that even when the light has been turned on, those hardwired patterns are difficult to break. This is the curse of which I speak. If you have read my blog before you may have noticed talk of chronic pain. That is an example of unhealthy depletion of energy. The sun’s energy burns out and we long for the winter season where we can go within and recharge our batteries.

(Original photo)
There is a balance though. Sort of like that boring equinox although it isn’t boring at all. It’s balanced energy and empaths more than anyone need to have balanced energy in order to not be depleted constantly. What I have found, besides lots of rest and periods of blissful solitude is to feel and detect my own energy levels as often as possible and only give what feels good to give and when it doesn’t, protect my energy at all costs. No one else is going to do this for me. I realize there are bunches and bunches of people that don’t need to be told this. They already know how to detect and monitor their own energy levels intuitively. I admire you. I am not one of those people. Not intuitively anyway but I am learning to reprogram my old patterns. I am learning that if I say yes to you when I really want to say no I am really saying no to my needs and that depletes my energy. If I am in a good mood and you are not and I swoop in to try and make you feel good even though you didn’t ask me to...I deplete my energy.  The only solution I have come to and I got there with the help of my dear empath friend and a course I took by Lee Harris, is to take care of my own energy needs, share when I can and hold back and recharge when I need to AND, if I do this, I will maintain my precious balance, my equinox, and help to balance those around me by not taking care of their energy for them.
(Obviously not my photo)
It isn’t that I don’t want to shine like the Solstice sun shining today because I do and I thrive on shining my light. I am making a vow to myself to take better care of myself and that means taking care of my energy so that I don’t crave winter’s restorative properties so much of the time.  I am doing that today by saying no to an invitation to spend the Solstice with other like minded folks in ceremony that I used to really enjoy. Today I am spending in solitude and I am recharging my energy. I am in a season of physical pursuits to make a little money. Energy traded in the form of hard work for a little cashola. It helps out the neighbors and it helps me. Good exchange. I am also building my first ever fire pit so that I can drum and sing around my own fire this summer (after the rains start of course!).  I am enjoying my life and all that I am learning.
(Original photo of unfinished fire pit)
I will close by wishing you a lovely Sweet Summer Solstice whether you spend it in solitude or not.
Enjoy your summer, take care of yourselves and if you resonate with the empath thing...take real good care of your own energy! It could save your life. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

The View

I found this special place near where I live that I can easily walk to overlooking the vast ocean of mountains and plains that I am viewing from a chair I stashed that snuggles neatly into the circling branch of a beautiful dead stag. The walk isn’t really that far and I can easily carry my glass of wine and a blanket to throw over the chair. It is paradise. The setting sun changing the colors every 15 minutes. The birds chirping loudly as I settle in, one by one, quiet for the night. Crickets are about though. It is summer and they are the sound of summer evenings. The wind blowing through the juniper and pines is the most grandest of sounds that stops even the cricket in their little noisy steps. I am amazed that there aren’t any other sounds but these. I saw one car but just one. Not that you can really see a car from this viewpoint but I saw the headlights down there on the plain. Peaceful contentment abounds here. I can see it in the bark of the tree as the sun sets it magical light in just the right spot that it captures the attention of even the most wandering mind. 
Silver linings. Changing colors and points of view. Changing attitudes bring new places to sit and ponder and wonder if life gets any better than this moment. If it does, I’m in. If this is it...I’m good. I am so very good. 

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Four more

4 more days. I am retiring from a 31 year Nursing career. There are many feelings in this. I had a great career. I mean, it wasn’t all that glamorous but I seemed to get to do what I wanted in terms of the different fields of Nursing. I set out with 3 goals, I wanted to help others, I wanted to provide a living for my children and myself and I wanted access to healthcare. Little did I know how much of that healthcare I would have to access. None the less, it was a fantastic opportunity to get all those things...and more. Yes, I got some bruises along the way. My back will never be the same but I got a lot of rewards that I couldn't have imagined by connecting with the patients that I cared for and by interacting with other caregivers just like me. We are certainly a tribe. Caregivers helping others for a living. We are likely the caregivers of our personal relationships too. We give and give and give. Sometimes we learn to ask what we need as well. 
You may know that I live next door to my 85 year old parents. They are the most remarkable and awesome set of individuals I could ever ask to be born to. I didn’t always know this nor believe it but I do now and that is really all that matters. I am going to get the awesome opportunity to give care to them soon. It will start with something easy and maybe it will get more difficult...maybe it won’t. I am here and here for the duration. 
I recently went away on a trip to a tropical island. One last trip as an employed citizen. It was gorgeous and magical and wonderfully cloudy. Life is like that sometimes...gorgeous and magical and wonderfully cloudy. 
You may also know that I am fairly newly divorced after a 27 year relationship. It has been just over 18 months since the last of the crumble or the beginning of the beginning. I think I had a breakthrough this weekend. I think that maybe someday, maybe someday I will feel worthy of a relationship that thrives because I am in it and not only for the relationship but for me too. When I feel that worthiness, then it will happen. And until then, damn I am loving my life just the way it is right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 12, 2018

The Owl

The Owl keeps showing up. I have seen and heard Owl so very many times lately so I decided to  investigate when I found myself communicating with an owl tonight. She or he sang out three Who’s and I answered back with three of my own who’s. It went on like that for about 8-10 rounds of Owl Who and Human Who. One of us finally stopped but there seemed to be a real connection. Maybe I am making it all up but somehow I don’t think that is true. When they first started appearing I wondered was this something to do with death? Isn’t that what owls mean? But, it didn’t really feel that way. They...the few and differing encounters I had, from owl dreams to having them fly in front of me a few times, my cat masquerading as an owl, to tonight, with the singing field we created...he/she and I. Who? Who? Who? Such a longing question. Who? Who? Who? Do we ever get an answer and is that why the question goes on and on and on? I wonder. I wondered and so I googled. I have a deck of Jamie Sam’s Medicine Cards and card # 21 is Owl. Here is what it says:

“Owl is a creature of the night and has been symbolically associated with wisdom because it can see what others cannot. It is the only bird that flies in total silence.
As a power animal, Owl encourages you to develop your intuitive abilities and inner senses, and to seek the knowledge that is hidden from most people. Owl is a protector and will help you to discern more readily the motives and intentions of others, especially those who may attempt to deceive you or take advantage of you in some way. Owl also helps you to recognize that there is a dark side to your nature that should not be ignored or repressed. You need to see that it is there so you can come to terms with it.
Owl is symbolic of discernment and the need to look out for deception. You have to see to know. You have to know to see.
Honor intuition. Use discernment. Outsmart deception. Trust your first impressions.”

So, I am trusting my first impression which is to communicate with Owl, to engage. You have to see to know. You have to know to see. Who? Who? Who? Well, that would be me...and you, and you, and you. That’s Who.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Just one drop

Just one drop
In a sea of billions
Of drops
That is what I am

It has been almost two years since my last blog post. I think this is a perfect time to come back. My last post was about the magical loving place known as a musical festival of the folk variety. It was my first but certainly not my last. I didn’t go to that particular one last year but I am so looking forward to going back this year. 
Music. Festival. Loving. Living. Harmony. Melody
My first music festival was a small private affair in the middle of nowhere somewhere in the desert southwest. I had agonized about going. I was still married then but we were heading for the ending that was coming. I didn’t quite know it then nor did I have the freedom to know what that would feel like so I was still in the frozen place that was my confidence to do/be who I was. But, in spite of the agony of do I go, do I not go, should i invite him to go, do I want him there, no I don’t, am I allowed to feel that way?...I went. I went without him and I had an amazingly relaxing time where I felt free to be where there were happy, music loving, accepting people. People that wanted to be there and wanted to be there with other happy, music loving, accepting people. I had found my tribe. 
I remember laying there in my tent that first night as others were arriving late, car doors opening and closing at least a hundred times and I remember thinking how mad that would have made him had he been there and how it didn’t bother me in the least...mostly because he wasn’t there to complain.
The feeling at that folk music festival (and every one I have been to since) gave me the most connected feeling to a bunch of fellow inhabitors of this planet, I have ever felt. 
Connection. One of the myriad values that I am embracing as mine own. Like drops in the ocean are connected so are we. 
Since my, what now seems inevitable, divorce, I have been to several more folk festivals. They have all been the same amount of amazing. I have met new beautiful, talented Beings and have enriched existing friendships and family relationships so I know I am on to something good for me here. 
This coming May I am going back to that small private affair and there is no agonizing this time. I just say YES to going and to enjoying and being a part of the tribe. I don’t agonize about too much these days. At least not like I did then. I still have things being worked out, being worked on and stuff of that nature. I would like to bring this blog back to life so if you like what you read here and havent’t subscribed...maybe try that now. :-) I feel like this is a friend I am writing to so let’s just say that we are. Friends. Connection. Just One Drop.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Where were we?

Where were we 
I had asked
I think that we were 
in a magical place 
where people are loving and kind 
They shared what was theirs with others 
and they shared in return 
They were happy and blessed 
to be in this place 
They came as equals 
and left as friends 
But the very best part of this place 
was the energy of love 
that was there 
for them all 
to embrace in the music
the smiles, the warmth 
They were free to embrace 
that love energy 
that was given to each one 
and each one extending 
back out again 
which only made it stronger 
and more pure 
It was a magical place
That's where we were

#roadtorichs #weareallone

Monday, April 11, 2016

A kayak lesson

I could kayak here.
I am taking a kayak lesson tomorrow evening. Here in the desert. Not at the sea...but maybe someday I will. Kayak in the sea that is.
I am feeling the winds of change. I am feeling things I have never before felt in my life. Strange is change. 
I am becoming a vegetarian. I have never really liked meat. Well, maybe bacon...some. I am giving it up though. Except when it smells really good and I just can't go without at least a bite. As my sister says about her vegetarianism/sometimes isn't a religion. 
I also started coloring. My friend and neighbor down the road gave me two adult coloring books and a 60 pack of colored pens. Glorious! Who knew?? I LOVE this activity where I can just BE with color and making design and getting completely lost in the moment and the pure joy of coloring. 
It kind of makes it hard to get anything else done there anything else to do really? Okay, maybe I should eat...a little.
I have done much reflection this winter. I have gone within and found myself there. That can be a scary place if you aren't wearing your seat belt. I read Anne Lamott yesterday. She says that Grace is when you ask for Help...but warns you to wear your seat belt after one told me that so I have been feeling kind of catapulted. I think I am just kind of rocking at the moment. You know like when your 3 year old grandson doesn't want you to leave to go the 800 miles back home and he rocks you while you are hugging him goodbye? Yeah, like that.
I am spending time alone. I am so grateful for the opportunity to do this. I am finding out that I am an okay person by myself. I think I thought I would be lonely by myself. I don't think I gave my Self enough credit. My Self kinda likes being alone so she can know what she hears in her heart is her thoughts, her wants, her needs. That is all that is asked of at this time. Oh. That isn't too much to ask. No. That sounds like the kind of thing that might actually be expected in this life. Oh. I didn't realize. Be still then and listen. Nice...hear that music? I like that station on Pandora. 
So, these are some of my thoughts on a Monday evening in the mountain desert of New Mexico. It is supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow. Do you know how very exciting that is to desert dwellers? Mucho!
I am taking a kayak lesson tomorrow evening. Here in the desert. Not at the sea...but maybe someday I will. Kayak in the sea that is.