Sunday, April 8, 2018

Four more

4 more days. I am retiring from a 31 year Nursing career. There are many feelings in this. I had a great career. I mean, it wasn’t all that glamorous but I seemed to get to do what I wanted in terms of the different fields of Nursing. I set out with 3 goals, I wanted to help others, I wanted to provide a living for my children and myself and I wanted access to healthcare. Little did I know how much of that healthcare I would have to access. None the less, it was a fantastic opportunity to get all those things...and more. Yes, I got some bruises along the way. My back will never be the same but I got a lot of rewards that I couldn't have imagined by connecting with the patients that I cared for and by interacting with other caregivers just like me. We are certainly a tribe. Caregivers helping others for a living. We are likely the caregivers of our personal relationships too. We give and give and give. Sometimes we learn to ask what we need as well. 
You may know that I live next door to my 85 year old parents. They are the most remarkable and awesome set of individuals I could ever ask to be born to. I didn’t always know this nor believe it but I do now and that is really all that matters. I am going to get the awesome opportunity to give care to them soon. It will start with something easy and maybe it will get more difficult...maybe it won’t. I am here and here for the duration. 
I recently went away on a trip to a tropical island. One last trip as an employed citizen. It was gorgeous and magical and wonderfully cloudy. Life is like that sometimes...gorgeous and magical and wonderfully cloudy. 
You may also know that I am fairly newly divorced after a 27 year relationship. It has been just over 18 months since the last of the crumble or the beginning of the beginning. I think I had a breakthrough this weekend. I think that maybe someday, maybe someday I will feel worthy of a relationship that thrives because I am in it and not only for the relationship but for me too. When I feel that worthiness, then it will happen. And until then, damn I am loving my life just the way it is right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 12, 2018

The Owl

The Owl keeps showing up. I have seen and heard Owl so very many times lately so I decided to  investigate when I found myself communicating with an owl tonight. She or he sang out three Who’s and I answered back with three of my own who’s. It went on like that for about 8-10 rounds of Owl Who and Human Who. One of us finally stopped but there seemed to be a real connection. Maybe I am making it all up but somehow I don’t think that is true. When they first started appearing I wondered was this something to do with death? Isn’t that what owls mean? But, it didn’t really feel that way. They...the few and differing encounters I had, from owl dreams to having them fly in front of me a few times, my cat masquerading as an owl, to tonight, with the singing field we created...he/she and I. Who? Who? Who? Such a longing question. Who? Who? Who? Do we ever get an answer and is that why the question goes on and on and on? I wonder. I wondered and so I googled. I have a deck of Jamie Sam’s Medicine Cards and card # 21 is Owl. Here is what it says:

“Owl is a creature of the night and has been symbolically associated with wisdom because it can see what others cannot. It is the only bird that flies in total silence.
As a power animal, Owl encourages you to develop your intuitive abilities and inner senses, and to seek the knowledge that is hidden from most people. Owl is a protector and will help you to discern more readily the motives and intentions of others, especially those who may attempt to deceive you or take advantage of you in some way. Owl also helps you to recognize that there is a dark side to your nature that should not be ignored or repressed. You need to see that it is there so you can come to terms with it.
Owl is symbolic of discernment and the need to look out for deception. You have to see to know. You have to know to see.
Honor intuition. Use discernment. Outsmart deception. Trust your first impressions.”

So, I am trusting my first impression which is to communicate with Owl, to engage. You have to see to know. You have to know to see. Who? Who? Who? Well, that would be me...and you, and you, and you. That’s Who.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Just one drop


Just one drop
In a sea of billions
Of drops
That is what I am

It has been almost two years since my last blog post. I think this is a perfect time to come back. My last post was about the magical loving place known as a musical festival of the folk variety. It was my first but certainly not my last. I didn’t go to that particular one last year but I am so looking forward to going back this year. 
Music. Festival. Loving. Living. Harmony. Melody
My first music festival was a small private affair in the middle of nowhere somewhere in the desert southwest. I had agonized about going. I was still married then but we were heading for the ending that was coming. I didn’t quite know it then nor did I have the freedom to know what that would feel like so I was still in the frozen place that was my confidence to do/be who I was. But, in spite of the agony of do I go, do I not go, should i invite him to go, do I want him there, no I don’t, am I allowed to feel that way?...I went. I went without him and I had an amazingly relaxing time where I felt free to be where there were happy, music loving, accepting people. People that wanted to be there and wanted to be there with other happy, music loving, accepting people. I had found my tribe. 
I remember laying there in my tent that first night as others were arriving late, car doors opening and closing at least a hundred times and I remember thinking how mad that would have made him had he been there and how it didn’t bother me in the least...mostly because he wasn’t there to complain.
The feeling at that folk music festival (and every one I have been to since) gave me the most connected feeling to a bunch of fellow inhabitors of this planet, I have ever felt. 
Connection. One of the myriad values that I am embracing as mine own. Like drops in the ocean are connected so are we. 
Since my, what now seems inevitable, divorce, I have been to several more folk festivals. They have all been the same amount of amazing. I have met new beautiful, talented Beings and have enriched existing friendships and family relationships so I know I am on to something good for me here. 
This coming May I am going back to that small private affair and there is no agonizing this time. I just say YES to going and to enjoying and being a part of the tribe. I don’t agonize about too much these days. At least not like I did then. I still have things being worked out, being worked on and stuff of that nature. I would like to bring this blog back to life so if you like what you read here and havent’t subscribed...maybe try that now. :-) I feel like this is a friend I am writing to so let’s just say that we are. Friends. Connection. Just One Drop.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Where were we?

Where were we 
I had asked
I think that we were 
in a magical place 
where people are loving and kind 
They shared what was theirs with others 
and they shared in return 
They were happy and blessed 
to be in this place 
They came as equals 
and left as friends 
But the very best part of this place 
was the energy of love 
that was there 
for them all 
to embrace in the music
the smiles, the warmth 
They were free to embrace 
that love energy 
that was given to each one 
and each one extending 
back out again 
which only made it stronger 
and more pure 
It was a magical place
That's where we were

#roadtorichs #weareallone

Monday, April 11, 2016

A kayak lesson

I could kayak here.
I am taking a kayak lesson tomorrow evening. Here in the desert. Not at the sea...but maybe someday I will. Kayak in the sea that is.
I am feeling the winds of change. I am feeling things I have never before felt in my life. Strange is change. 
I am becoming a vegetarian. I have never really liked meat. Well, maybe bacon...some. I am giving it up though. Except when it smells really good and I just can't go without at least a bite. As my sister says about her vegetarianism/sometimes veganism...it isn't a religion. 
I also started coloring. My friend and neighbor down the road gave me two adult coloring books and a 60 pack of colored pens. Glorious! Who knew?? I LOVE this activity where I can just BE with color and making design and getting completely lost in the moment and the pure joy of coloring. 
It kind of makes it hard to get anything else done but...but...is there anything else to do really? Okay, maybe I should eat...a little.
I have done much reflection this winter. I have gone within and found myself there. That can be a scary place if you aren't wearing your seat belt. I read Anne Lamott yesterday. She says that Grace is when you ask for Help...but warns you to wear your seat belt after asking...no one told me that so I have been feeling kind of catapulted. I think I am just kind of rocking at the moment. You know like when your 3 year old grandson doesn't want you to leave to go the 800 miles back home and he rocks you while you are hugging him goodbye? Yeah, like that.
I am spending time alone. I am so grateful for the opportunity to do this. I am finding out that I am an okay person by myself. I think I thought I would be lonely by myself. I don't think I gave my Self enough credit. My Self kinda likes being alone so she can know what she hears in her heart is her thoughts, her wants, her needs. That is all that is asked of at this time. Oh. That isn't too much to ask. No. That sounds like the kind of thing that might actually be expected in this life. Oh. I didn't realize. Be still then and listen. Nice...hear that music? I like that station on Pandora. 
So, these are some of my thoughts on a Monday evening in the mountain desert of New Mexico. It is supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow. Do you know how very exciting that is to desert dwellers? Mucho!
I am taking a kayak lesson tomorrow evening. Here in the desert. Not at the sea...but maybe someday I will. Kayak in the sea that is.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Reflections of a Rag Rug


I have been weaving since 1997. Since that time I have been collecting rags in the form of old sheets, clothes and other fabrics. One end of my attic is full of baskets of discarded fabric of one type or another. One basket is just full of old jeans. And all alone they have sat for years and years. 
Back when I first started weaving I wanted to save up enough of this scrap fabric to someday make rag rugs but in the meantime I learned to weave with wool yarn, cotton yarn and the wondrous chenille yarns that make such soft and sultry scarves.

I was first introduced to weaving at an art festival in Magdalena, NM. I fell in love with Navajo weaving and watched in utter amazement as a wonderful Navajo woman named Isabel wove while sitting on a pillow on the floor. It was magical how she skillfully wove each piece of weft yarn by hand in and out of the warp. I was mesmerized. Next I saw Swedish looms and the colorful rugs and tapestries that the woman in this weaving community had on the walls of the display.

I had never considered myself crafty or creative but this...this I wanted to do.
And so I bought a Swedish loom from a neighbor down the road that happened to be a successful weaver, well known in the weaving circles of my state and beyond. The loom was  then  25 years old and she had maintained it lovingly. It is a  beautiful piece of furniture that,, once purchased, became a working piece of art in the home we had just built. And then I bought a book and taught myself to weave. 

That was in 1997 and I still weave on that loom. My husband built me a Navajo style loom then too but I never did get the hang of the tension of the warp. I never actually completed my first project on it. Probably because the talented Navajo women teach their craft to others orally and by demonstrations and not by writing books so it was just harder to learn. But I did learn  how to make all of the staples on my Swedish floor loom. Staples like scarves and place mats, baby blankets...all the easy but fun stuff. I gave most of it away as gifts and sold a few things too. It was fun and I even thought I would sell my weaving for a living and in 2005 I quit my job to build our second, and current, straw bale home and then I was going to switch careers and weave full time. That didn't happen and in fact I took a 3 year hiatus from weaving. But slowly I got around to weaving again and when I did it was with rags. 

I finally completed my first rag rug a few years ago. I had a couple of hurdles to get past and it took me a long time to figure them out. One was that I hate to sew. All of that fabric in those baskets were going to need to be cut up. That was actually the first hurdle. Cutting up jeans, shirts and whatever else had accumulated in those baskets over the years was going to be painful...literally... to cut each "rag" into the strips I was going to need to fashion a rug out of these seeming rags. And then the second hurdle...sewing the short strips into long ones. Did I mention I hate to sew? 

Over the years I met a few rag rug experts at shows and shops. I learned two important concepts... the tearing of sheets into strips and, the best of all, NO sewing needed. The sewing machine that I bought several years ago still sits, mostly untouched. I don't care. If you saw the shirt I attempted to make for myself in Home Ec class you would understand my disdain. You would also understand my new found glee that it wouldn't be necessary to dust off that machine and become one with it after all. 

This is my third rag rug. Its dimensions are 33X66" and it is called 
Raspberry Cactus Sky

The part of weaving a rag rug that I love the most is what is captured in the photo above. As I put together different color of sheets, warp yarn and accent pieces I have a general idea of the color combination but I have absolutely no idea what those combinations are going to create as a finished rug. And the beauty of that is I don't even know what the creation is until I take it off the loom and unroll it. But for each 6-8" that I have in front of me at all times I have ongoing glimpses of what the finale will look like. I am fascinated at each crank of the loom wheel. 

It is a humbling sort of experience for me. I love how the rug actually seems to make itself. I just place the different color fabric in random order. Sometimes following a sequence I become comfortable with and other times totally changing it up just to see what comes into my 6-8" window next.
Then when I unroll it I get to see what it is that it wanted to be. I am as astounded as anyone could be by what my eyes behold. And this brings me much joy. 


I am almost done braiding the ends and then my beautiful Raspberry Cactus Sky will be for sale. I am selling my rugs for $150 presently. I think this is a fair price at this point. I have been weaving for 18 years minus that 3 year break so there is a bit of experience in the mix. If you are interested let me know via email at terri.sunflower@gmail.com

If you have read to this point I thank you. I want to write about weaving as a way to honor the act of the craft itself. Selling a rug or two while doing that would be a bonus and was an afterthought so don't feel obligated just because you read to this point. In fact, I would love a comment or two about this blog and anything you've read here on Rainwalker Mesa. Life is good here. Thanks for stopping by... 


Saturday, August 15, 2015

Love Energy

Right Now
In this moment I feel grateful to have the tiniest inkling of what I really am
Stillness
Be still with me
Sit here and feel what I am
Energy
Don't try to create it, it is already
Release all gripping
There is nothing to hang on to anyway
Know this present energy
This wave or thread
This ripple of energy
This love is you
Let go and relax into that
This is who we are
Though we aren't even a who
We just are

The man sitting across from you exists in this same reality
He is energy...Love Energy
The body this energy resides with
Is eventually only dust
The real man over there isn't a man at all
There is no gender, no race, nor class
Just energy
This God that your religions talks about
Is this same Love Energy
The only difference is that it knows what
It is in every moment
Of which, there is only one