Grandkids come to the Mesa!

 My son Josh and wife, Nichole and their boys Jamie and Landen came to visit last week. It is a 16 hour drive and my daughter in law is pregnant so it was a an awesome gift that they gave us in coming. Plus they brought our granddaughter, their niece, Annie, which was very generous indeed. We are so grateful to them for making the long trek...here are some of the highlights from the visit.

 Our granddaughter Annie is a beauty and a charmer. Her beautiful smile will win over the worst of moods on anyone! Our DIL Nichole, who is having yet another boy, spent 20 minutes blow-drying and curling her lovely hair. I snapped the photo before the evidence of the hard work disappeared.

 These 3 kiddos can ham it up at a moment's notice and they do a pretty good job don't you think?! After this shot we went for a picnic on Rainwalker Mesa while the parents went to Pie Town for lunch and PIE!!

 Grampa is having just way too much fun here!! Hang on tight kids!

 The great grandparents got a visit too. Nice to have us all on one mesa top eh? Josh and Nichole helped Grandpa and Grandma paint a doorway and put up a screen door on their new house. Thanks guys!!

 So, here is my favorite part...Annie is singing while Jamie plays the guitar in the background. You know I am in heaven here!!! Annie loved the microphone. She was hesitant at first but she really got the hang of it. Jamie just beamed with a guitar in his hand. Someday I hope, as he gets a little older, that he picks it up again and outshines his Emma in his talent and ability! In the meantime I have written another song that I have dedicated to him. 

 Annie and our newest family member, Kittybird, hit it off nicely. Kittybird takes a lovely picture doesn't she?

 We went on a quick hike at the Datil Well before going to milk the goat that provides me with the milk I drink. The kids loved Emma's goat milk!! Yay!

Emma and Jamie at the Luna Rodeo. The kids had never been to a rodeo before and it was quite a hit! Our visit was very special and many wonderful memories were made. 

It is hard to explain what it is like to have grandchildren. They are more than the children of your children but at the same time that is what makes it so special. Thank you to all my children for giving me this pleasure in my life!

One Last Request

Twenty five years ago today I gave birth to my second son, Joshua Ray. Twenty five years ago I had a friend named Janet dying of brain cancer. Janet was 24, married but had no children of her own. We had been friends since I let her cheat on a math test in 10th grade...my first year in Arkansas. She was a fun loving person and we were very good friends. She got married young and so did I and as life would have it we saw each other less frequently as time went on. She was diagnosed with cancer while I was in Nursing school and when she had the surgery I went to her house and did dressing changes...scared out of my mind, I was! I took her to some of her radiation appointments and watched as she realized it wasn't helping.
Sometime during my pregnancy with Josh she asked me, what was for her, a huge favor...would I name my baby after her if I had a girl. Her name was Janet May and I so wanted to fulfill her request and finally settled on Tracy Janette as a way to honor her. The one thing I wanted to know about this child growing inside me was if indeed I was having a daughter. I already had a son and really did want a little girl but mostly wanted like we all do...a healthy child. My baby was due to be born on November 25th and that November was a long one. I had several ultrasounds and each time the baby was turned so that the sex of the child was a mystery. I actually fell once late in the pregnancy and had even more look-sees to make sure everything was alright and still...the mystery. November 25th came and went and no birth. Every day I waited for those contractions to start but they didn't come. Finally, on December 5th my doctor put me in the hospital to induce labor. They did indeed induce false labor but still my baby didn't budge! They stopped the medicine and said if I didn't deliver over night they would send me back home! I was 10 days overdue and they were going to send me home? I was a bit frustrated and overwhelmed by then but as soon as the clock struck the new day...now officially December 6th and also as fate would have it, Janet's birthday, I started into labor. The nurses realized the physical reason for my delay in delivering my baby...a breach birth was imminent and at 4 in the morning they wheeled me off to deliver with a C-section room set up just in case. I delivered that baby without the aid of surgery at 4:40 Am on December 6th and finally was able to see for myself that I would not be able to fulfill her last request. Joshua Ray was born and within a minute I looked up at his father and said...this will be my last child, no more, I'm done! I don't know when it hit me that I may not have had a girl that I could name after Janet but I had him on her last birthday. I held my excitement and waited until 7 that morning to call her. She lived another 5 months but that morning she was the most excited I had ever seen her. She came to see Josh and myself that morning and it was so evident that she was succumbing to the cancer in her body except for that sparkle in her eyes and the smile so big on her face. I felt like I had given her a gift after all even though I really had nothing to do with it except go with the flow. 
Thanks for being my friend Janet May Howell and gracing me with your fun and always real self. I have told this story of you and my son having the same birthday at least 25 times as every year on his birthday my thoughts turn to you. Rest in peace Janet.
Happy birthday my beautiful son. You were kept inside me 11 extra days by the pull of that wonderful all-knowing Universe and its everlasting wisdom. It is snowing outside as I look out the window this morning just as it did then...remembering that day twenty five years ago when in ways I hadn't imagined, I fulfilled that one last request. I love you so much!

A holiday greeting

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

Distractions

Distraction

What a road I have followed

ever winding and long

distraction has taken me 

to places that were wrong

they were scary

they were sad

they were crazy 

 they were bad

but I have you figured out

distraction of my mind

you tried to protect me

make me think things were real

when you thought I couldn't cope

with the things I needed to feel

so now I am on to you

and the pain has gone away

distraction is no longer with me

I am free for many a day

Our Victimness

Have you ever been a victim? Most of us probably have at one point or another in our lives and for a lot of folks it started in their childhood. Are you still a victim? That is the question isn't it? If you have ever been victimized did you get over it? Did you work through it and forgive yourself and the victimizer? Or do you carry with you at all times the hurt and anger still buried inside waiting for the next opportunity to rear it's ugly head? I always say there are two kinds of people in this world but once a decade or more ago I realized there are probably more...maybe 12 or 16. I think I settled on 16 back then. So, if there are 16 type of people in this world I am betting that at least one of those types are the people that hang on to being a victim. They were probably hurt more than other types of people that first time. Maybe they were abused as children with either violence or incest, maybe they were raped, assaulted or a victim of war, or other extreme violence. Some of these folks may have even repressed the original victimizing moment in their lives because it was too hard or they were too young to deal with the emotions it induced. Whatever the cause they are stuck. They continue to be a victim. They may be a victim to their bodies, to their relationships, to their financial situation, to their health, weight, wellness (or lack thereof) or to their job, living situation, family situation...do you see, the list is probably endless. Once a person gets stuck in the victim role it is very hard to get themselves out and why should they even try? I mean, it isn't their fault right? Someone did this to them, someone or something caused them hurt and now that is what they know in life to be the root feeling of their existence  Does that mean they are never happy? Of course not but it does mean that for them pain and suffering is a normal part of their life that they accept as their lot. They may view life as a struggle...did they struggle a lot in their first trauma? They may view life as a weight around their necks...did they feel heavy, deadened in that first hurt? They may view life as painful...were they physically beaten or hurt in that first traumatic experience? Now fast forward to many years later...are they always struggling now, are they overweight and cannot lose it no matter what or do they have chronic illness, pain or physical ailments? Their victimness keeps getting transferred to the many stages of life as they continue moving forward but still they are stuck.

Is there an answer? How can they move past the victimness and into a life where they are no longer victim to life's everyday-ness? I am not sure that they can but it seems to me that they should be able to forgive, forget, let go, and love themselves into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be. 

I am writing this with a migraine headache. I was victimized at a young age, I was hurt and I have had chronic pain all of my adult life. I continue to live in my victimness even though I am blessed with a wonderful life. I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful family and many beautiful loving friends. I live in paradise, I have a perfect job and I am for the most part very healthy. I am one of the 16 kinds of people that continue to hurt though. I have been trying to find cures for my pain for a very long time. I have been so very depressed at times that I have even thought of ending my life to get rid of the pain. My victimness is my body (my back, legs, neck, head, tummy, and pelvis) all of the parts of me that hurt chronically and for the most part daily!! Can I forgive, forget, let go, and love myself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be? 

My very best friend in the whole wide world, my husband, told me not long ago that he has absolute faith in his body to heal, to be in good health, and when he does have pain he knows in his core that it will go away. Maybe he is a victim too and it isn't manifested in his body but let's just stick to his way of thinking for this (my) example and ponder...is that the answer? Is it a belief in me that somehow during that initial trauma that my body failed me? That I don't have the faith that my body will heal, be in a state of health, or recover from pain? Just writing those words caused in me a stirring, a memory maybe of what beliefs I held in that moment living through that trauma. It rings true. How can I change that belief now? My body did not betray me...life did not betray me...love did not betray me. Can I forgive, forget, let go, and love myself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be? And now, can I change the belief, probably a belief that I have held secretly from myself for a very, very long time that my body can't be trusted to heal, to love me, to hold me, to keep me safe? Hmmm, just maybe I can. Just maybe I can forgive, forget, let go, and love myself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be AND I can believe that my body will heal, will live in a state of health, will keep me safe, will keep me safe, will keep me safe, will keep me safe. 

What is your victimness? Do you have a story? Are you stuck there? Can you see the pattern in your life? Are you one of the 16 kinds of people on this Earth that feels they were and still are a victim of unfortunate events? IF so, can you forgive, forget, let go, and love yourself into acceptance of what was, what is and what will be AND can you believe that whatever part of you remains a victim could now keep you safe? I hope so. I wish you love, understanding and healing. I wish for you the knowing that you have the ability to love and heal yourself, to hold yourself in that love and to know that love is all we need to be in that safe place we so desperately want to feel. We, the victimized can and shall be...the loved, the holders of safety and beauty and the lovers. So, go now, go and love yourself, go and forgive yourself, forget the hurts of the past, let go of your victimness, and love yourself into acceptance of what was (it was only a feeling of not being safe), what is (you are safe now) and what will be (have the faith that you are and will always be safe/love/health/beauty...whatever it is that keeps you stuck. It is no longer real, the threat is long gone...know this and that knowing will set you free. 

Moonbeams and Daydreams

                                        
                                                    

                      Moon beams and day dreams; sitting around in blue jeans

                      Makin magic outta ripples and seams

                      We didn’t choose it, we won’t lose it; don’t even know what it means

Chorus:

One day you plant it, next day you sow it

If you’re lucky it’ll go to seed

Don’t try to fence it or be apprehensive

It’ll be there when you need, just you wait and see

                  Some days you know it, other days you blow it; But it’s all good in the end

                  We’ve been together and as long as I remember

                  Along the way we both had to bend

Chorus:

One day you plant it, next day you sow it

If you’re lucky it’ll go to seed

Don’t try to fence it or be apprehensive

It’ll be there when you need, just you wait and see

                      Life is a lesson, a circle and a blessin’; and if we get to do it again

                      Don’t know if I’ll know you or even get to meet you

                      But if I do I’ll call you friend

Chorus:

One day you plant it, next day you sow it

If you’re lucky it’ll go to seed

Don’t try to fence it or be apprehensive

It’ll be there when you need, just you wait and see

Full Worm Moon or Is it really Spring

The super moon it started climbing...and what a moon it was! Well, not really. I mean,we did go out and watch it come up and took all these photos but... really, it wasn't such a super moon...was it??

I had heard that you would be able to see the "man in the moon" easier with it being so much closer to Earth and all and low and behold...I see two eyes and a face is quite easily recognizable...oh, wait, that was only a tree!!

So, here she is in all her full glory and it is cold outside (the Bailey's helped). But we watched her come up and felt like we did our duty even though the porch still reeked of skunk from a few nights back when our fierce protector ran it off but not before it struck!

But she did indeed shine down on my yard art and made the evening quite enjoyable after all. Thank you Miss Full Worm Moon...but then there was the next night.

Still officially the full moon the cloud passing across her made her beauty stand out more.

Then the next morning when sitting in my favorite chair with coffee in hand I looked out the window and there she was still, I might add, quite glorious!

My favorite time of day for photographing on Rainwalker Mesa is when the skies are pink and blue and thank you, one last time oh Full Worm Moon!!

I have not looked into the reason for the name of this moon cycle and why it is that it is called the worm moon other than worms in many places are a sign of spring. I went for a walk this morning with a neighbor and her 5 month old son. We saw ants...the first time this year so it must be spring after all. I know the equinox was this past Sunday and though I used to celebrate that day a bit more I did take notice of the day. It is hard to see spring in these mountains since we get no moisture until the monsoon rains and then have our spring in September. We did however work out in the garden area and moved the bean fence from last year's location. The next day the wind blew 50 mph so it must be spring in New Mexico!!
My wonderful husband and I are celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary tomorrow and have reservations at a "wine bar and bistro" for dinner. That too means to me that it is sping...even though 21 years ago in NW Arkansas there was an ice storm going on and we slid all the way to our honeymoon destination! It seems that this week of March there is typically a late winter/early spring cold front. The last of my news for this first week of spring is that after almost 7 long weeks of having problems with our internet it is finally in good working order...she said with all the confidence she can muster. Happy Spring everyone and I hope you too enjoyed the Full Worm Moon.