This isn’t about Valentine’s Day

There are some things in life that are just too painful,  too confusing and too difficult to understand. I just got a reminder of one of those things in my life. And it sucks. My heart flips, my adrenaline kicks in and I go off into all the feels of it. It doesn’t last as long these days but it still sucks. I still ask why me. I still wonder what if. I still wish it could have been different. 

This isn’t about Valentine’s Day. 

No, my world...my particular world, has never been colored very brightly with romantic gestures. I know I longed for them in the early years of marriage but when they didn’t come I was easily consoled by my need to be okay with that more than my need for colorful gestures. My sense of self was more in line with being very good at not upsetting apple carts. In fact, I was quite proud of my skill. It lingers today but more as a nuisance than something I am proud of actually. But no...

This isn’t about Valentine’s Day

And it isn’t that I am against celebrating Valentine’s Day. In fact, I put on my calendar for today “celebrate” so I had every intention of treating myself to a sweetheart of a day. And for this rainy afternoon in the middle of February, the fact that I am still undressed and unshowered and went back to bed after breakfast...means I am celebrating! For most of this day I am not beholding to anyone or anything and planned to celebrate by going with the flow and doing whatever I please. That is the best present I can give to myself. Being present with myself. So, no...

This isn’t about Valentine’s Day

This is just about being human. It is about being human and enjoying beautiful sunsets that make you want to stop time. It is about being human and being reminded that life isn’t always as pretty as a sunset but you aren’t the only one not seeing sunsets today. It is about being a single solitary human in a world of other single solitary humans (and plants and animals and rocks and dirt and all of life). It is about being a human and that whether you are coupled up with other humans or living alone by consequence or choice that we all have an incredible opportunity here. The opportunity to embrace it all...the good, the bad, the ugly. Accept that reminders of the ugly will creep into your sunsets sometimes and that the opposite is always true too...when we feel like we are surrounded by the ugly parts of life the clouds part and the most glorious sunset is there to help us remember that it is all here and that it all belongs. Sometimes that sunset is your partner or a friend telling you how beautiful you are. And those clouds stealing the color from your eyes might be the grief you feel at the loss of a loved one, or a job, or a flat tire. It all belongs. 

This isn’t about Valentine’s Day

It is about all of us. All connected in the web of life here on this amazing planet. About every day and every way we make ourselves and each other feel loved, feel empowered, safe and strong. It is about loving ourselves out of the clouds in a gentle manner so that we don’t lose sight but don’t rush through what is showing up for us in these moments either. It is about enjoying the spectacular sunsets of your life...even on a rainy Valentine’s Day. But then again....

This isn’t about Valentine’s Day    

Autumn comes in the fall

I wanted to write a great blog post...for the Equinox.
But today is October 1st and I haven’t written in here since the summer solstice. I wanted to write a timely follow up to that post on the Equinox, over a week ago, but I got stuck. My world has shifted since the Solstice. Change has come yet again, as it will and as it does but these last few months have brought to me changes I would never have predicted and did not see coming.
I have had my heart shattered, my mind blown and my soul reignited...in that order...in the last 3 months!
The shattered heart is deeply personal and has brought me to my knees. Loss, in any form, can be painful but it can also be a window inside the self. I am still in there, on some level, looking and studying what I find in that view. What these journeys tell me about myself and my path has been evolving while mending the shattered parts. I am trusting the process mostly because I have no other choice.
And with that shattered heart I took myself off to Lyons, Colorado to the Rocky Mountain Song School at a gorgeous place called Planet Bluegrass along the St Vrain river. I went to this songwriting school thinking it a one time fantasy vacay for myself but little did I know. I found my people on that Planet and THAT was what blew my mind more than anything...that I EVEN had people!! That it would be  songwriting folks and that I would feel so very connected to these fellow songwriters was not what I expected. Although, to be honest, it is what I wrote in my journal a week before going...that kind of floors me now. I wrote “I want to FEEL like I have something to offer. That my stories are valid, that my songwriting is a gift that I have to give. And not just mine, I want to FEEL, as a participant of the song school, that we ALL have our gifts to give. We all matter. I matter but not more or less than anyone else...but I matter too. Feel that Terri. You matter. You have a writing gift...use it, feel it, give it.”  And then I take my (zero training) self off to this incredible place with incredibly inviting people and felt completely at ease and a part of something bigger than us all. I was welcomed in as if I mattered and as if I had important stories to tell via song...via my songs. And I have so many new and wonderful friends. That experience has changed my life. I know I am not the first to say that as it was the 25th year of the song school. It was only my first but I will be back...that is a surety.
The instructor to student ratio is incredible. And as any week of workshops goes, you can never take them all so one must go back over and over again just to learn all there is to absorb and digest from these amazing songwriters/instructors. I tended to gravitate towards performance this first year since that has been my weakest link in the chain. I have had pretty bad stage fright since starting this amateur adventure a few short years ago. I either forget lyrics or my hands shake so bad I can hardly play my guitar. I can bring lyrics on stage with me for comfort but shaky fingers are harder to navigate. I thought the performance classes would help with this anxiety. It did help and I have way more tools to help me navigate my nerves. But there was far more to it than that.
It reignited my soul.
To know more about what happens at Song School though...you gotta go...if that is your thing. Otherwise it is too hard to put into words. Except that...I did write a song called When I Was A Cello that sort of sums it up for me. In one class all of the students had to describe each other using only 3 words and there was a process to get there. One of my words was shifty...as in shape shifter shifty and since I have studied shamanism once upon a time I really resonated with that.
I have been writing songs almost nonstop since I got home from Lyons. And I am going to open mics, I am going to see live music and I am considering making my first record.
In September I went to the inaugural Casey Jones folk festival in Colo Springs. It was a blast. I met more song school folks and sang in the open mics and song circles with the pros!! It was magical...simply magical. In one of the workshops I said yes to being the guinea pig and made a complete fool of myself but it reaped rewards. And one of those might turn into a record which has been a dream since I started this crazy side road in my life.
So, here it is October already and my life feels like it is on a new path. October is usually a hard month for me but I don’t think I am going to notice too much. I have all these song ideas that keep coming and I am practicing every day and have started using a pic again so people can actually hear my guitar. I am standing too...so people can hear my voice. I have songs to sing and stories to tell. Autumn comes in the fall every year...without fail. And I am here too. Watching as the leaves fall and the colors change and the smoke from my fire rises.

When I Was A Cello
An original song
For Emily Ann

He said we are family
With that first hello
Found my tribe on the Planet
As I turned into a cello

Writing songs by the bank
Of the lovely St Vrain
The owl asleep now silent
In this morning rain

It’s about saying yes
When its easier to say no
It’s shape shifting I guess
Like when I was a cello

Seasons change and the night ends
Light shifts into mind blowin’
Colors that transcend
The darkness in my soul

Leap into the next
Brave chapter my dear
Only you will see the gifts
Life has to offer you there

It’s about saying yes
When its easier to say no
It’s shape shifting I guess
Like when I was a cello

You played me as a child
You held me in your arms
The sounds we made together
Emily Ann you are my charm

Dream your dreams
Live your life
Endless possibilities
Yes, there will be strife

If you keep pushing through
Even when you wonder why
Things start to make sense
And you know why your try

It’s about saying yes
When its easier to say no
It’s shapeshifting I guess
Like when I was a cello

Sweet Summer Solstice Solitude

(Original photo)

The longest day of the year always seems significant to me. So does the shortest. I am drawn to these unbalanced days as opposed to the Equinox which are actually quite balanced in the respect of daylight hours but that isn’t what attracts me...I don’t think. It is hot and bright on this day in the desert southwest mountains so you might have to squint to keep up with me here. I am talking about energy. The energy exchanged by longer days than nights allowing the growing things to grow while kids on summer vacation splash about in pools of delicious water. In winter the long nights take back what those long days gave us. These exchanges of energy pass by as seasons. Today, I am celebrating the beginning of this season, realizing that I am in a season of huge physical demands, that I am not so used to, by giving myself a cool rest under the air conditioning...yay summer!!

Recently I was in a different season of energy exchange. I had a lovely friend and now very dear friend come visit me twice in the last 6 weeks. We had some amazing discussions, deep insights and transforming experiences together. To say nothing of the live music and dancing we got to experience...that should be another blog post I suppose. 

All the wonderful things we both learned are still jelling in each of us but what I can tell you here is that I found someone like me. Not just like me, that would be silly. No, she is like me in that she and I can feel other people’s energy. I am an empath. She is too. Empath is just one word for someone who is sensitive to the feelings/energies of others. So much so that they can easily lose sense of themselves if they don’t develop good boundaries. I’ve been this way my whole life but didn’t have words for it all until recently so we definitely had food for fodder.

 I can also tell you that as an empath, having another empath for a houseguest is super easy. They know exactly what the other feels/needs, etc. So that part was way cool. And, we both saw this, it was absolutely amazing but also exhausting to have such in tune empath to empath discussions, usually over wine, every evening!! We were both having deep personal stuff going on in our periphery so there was that. All of the processing we did and the insights, we had to keep diving into, to get better clarity about, were deep truths for both of us. Did I say it was amazing? Because it was and we will have lots more opportunities for more of the same. I haven’t know very many people that experience people the way I do. But there are a few in my life and I thank you all for being there.

(Original photo)

Do you ever get told “I love your energy” or “thanks for bringing your energy to the party” or “you’ve got such good energy”? This energy can be a blessing and a curse. It is such a blessing to share this energy with others, especially those you love and care about but also to light up that room at the party. Some people have this really good energy and it is kind of like the summer solstice and having very long days...everything and everyone grows around this energy. People LOVE it and they are really blessed by it. I know I am when I am around people with this energy. 

But people with this type of innate energy usually don’t realize how often they share it. They also aren’t aware that because they can feel energy they can also feel lack, or energy vacuums which they try to fill. They usually just give and give and will often deplete their own energy to their detriment. If they have done it all their lives, like me, it gets real unhealthy and patterns are built that even when the light has been turned on, those hardwired patterns are difficult to break. This is the curse of which I speak. If you have read my blog before you may have noticed talk of chronic pain. That is an example of unhealthy depletion of energy. The sun’s energy burns out and we long for the winter season where we can go within and recharge our batteries.

 

(Original photo)
There is a balance though. Sort of like that boring equinox although it isn’t boring at all. It’s balanced energy and empaths more than anyone need to have balanced energy in order to not be depleted constantly. What I have found, besides lots of rest and periods of blissful solitude is to feel and detect my own energy levels as often as possible and only give what feels good to give and when it doesn’t, protect my energy at all costs. No one else is going to do this for me. I realize there are bunches and bunches of people that don’t need to be told this. They already know how to detect and monitor their own energy levels intuitively. I admire you. I am not one of those people. Not intuitively anyway but I am learning to reprogram my old patterns. I am learning that if I say yes to you when I really want to say no I am really saying no to my needs and that depletes my energy. If I am in a good mood and you are not and I swoop in to try and make you feel good even though you didn’t ask me to...I deplete my energy.  The only solution I have come to and I got there with the help of my dear empath friend and a course I took by Lee Harris, is to take care of my own energy needs, share when I can and hold back and recharge when I need to AND, if I do this, I will maintain my precious balance, my equinox, and help to balance those around me by not taking care of their energy for them.

(Obviously not my photo)
It isn’t that I don’t want to shine like the Solstice sun shining today because I do and I thrive on shining my light. I am making a vow to myself to take better care of myself and that means taking care of my energy so that I don’t crave winter’s restorative properties so much of the time.  I am doing that today by saying no to an invitation to spend the Solstice with other like minded folks in ceremony that I used to really enjoy. Today I am spending in solitude and I am recharging my energy. I am in a season of physical pursuits to make a little money. Energy traded in the form of hard work for a little cashola. It helps out the neighbors and it helps me. Good exchange. I am also building my first ever fire pit so that I can drum and sing around my own fire this summer (after the rains start of course!).  I am enjoying my life and all that I am learning.

(Original photo of unfinished fire pit)
I will close by wishing you a lovely Sweet Summer Solstice whether you spend it in solitude or not.
Enjoy your summer, take care of yourselves and if you resonate with the empath thing...take real good care of your own energy! It could save your life. 

The View

I found this special place near where I live that I can easily walk to overlooking the vast ocean of mountains and plains that I am viewing from a chair I stashed that snuggles neatly into the circling branch of a beautiful dead stag. The walk isn’t really that far and I can easily carry my glass of wine and a blanket to throw over the chair. It is paradise. The setting sun changing the colors every 15 minutes. The birds chirping loudly as I settle in, one by one, quiet for the night. Crickets are about though. It is summer and they are the sound of summer evenings. The wind blowing through the juniper and pines is the most grandest of sounds that stops even the cricket in their little noisy steps. I am amazed that there aren’t any other sounds but these. I saw one car but just one. Not that you can really see a car from this viewpoint but I saw the headlights down there on the plain. Peaceful contentment abounds here. I can see it in the bark of the tree as the sun sets it magical light in just the right spot that it captures the attention of even the most wandering mind. 

Silver linings. Changing colors and points of view. Changing attitudes bring new places to sit and ponder and wonder if life gets any better than this moment. If it does, I’m in. If this is it...I’m good. I am so very good. 

Four more

4 more days. I am retiring from a 31 year Nursing career. There are many feelings in this. I had a great career. I mean, it wasn’t all that glamorous but I seemed to get to do what I wanted in terms of the different fields of Nursing. I set out with 3 goals, I wanted to help others, I wanted to provide a living for my children and myself and I wanted access to healthcare. Little did I know how much of that healthcare I would have to access. None the less, it was a fantastic opportunity to get all those things...and more. Yes, I got some bruises along the way. My back will never be the same but I got a lot of rewards that I couldn't have imagined by connecting with the patients that I cared for and by interacting with other caregivers just like me.  Caregivers helping others for a living. We are likely the caregivers of our personal relationships too. We give and give and give. Sometimes we learn to ask what we need as well. 

You may know that I live next door to my 85 year old parents. They are the most remarkable and awesome set of individuals I could ever ask to be born to. I didn’t always know this nor believe it but I do now and that is really all that matters. I am going to get the awesome opportunity to give care to them soon. It will start with something easy and maybe it will get more difficult...maybe it won’t. I am here and here for the duration. 

I recently went away on a trip to a tropical island. One last trip as an employed citizen. It was gorgeous and magical and wonderfully cloudy. Life is like that sometimes...gorgeous and magical and wonderfully cloudy. 

You may also know that I am fairly newly divorced after a 27 year relationship. It has been just over 18 months since the last of the crumble or the beginning of the beginning. I think I had a breakthrough this weekend. I think that maybe someday, maybe someday I will feel worthy of a relationship that thrives because I am in it and not only for the relationship but for me too. When I feel that worthiness, then it will happen. And until then, damn I am loving my life just the way it is right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Owl

The Owl keeps showing up. I have seen and heard Owl so very many times lately so I decided to  investigate when I found myself communicating with an owl tonight. She or he sang out three Who’s and I answered back with three of my own who’s. It went on like that for about 8-10 rounds of Owl Who and Human Who. One of us finally stopped but there seemed to be a real connection. Maybe I am making it all up but somehow I don’t think that is true. When they first started appearing I wondered was this something to do with death? Isn’t that what owls mean? But, it didn’t really feel that way. They...the few and differing encounters I had, from owl dreams to having them fly in front of me a few times, my cat masquerading as an owl, to tonight, with the singing field we created...he/she and I. Who? Who? Who? Such a longing question. Who? Who? Who? Do we ever get an answer and is that why the question goes on and on and on? I wonder. I wondered and so I googled. I have a deck of Jamie Sam’s Medicine Cards and card # 21 is Owl. Here is what it says:

“Owl is a creature of the night and has been symbolically associated with wisdom because it can see what others cannot. It is the only bird that flies in total silence.

As a power animal, Owl encourages you to develop your intuitive abilities and inner senses, and to seek the knowledge that is hidden from most people. Owl is a protector and will help you to discern more readily the motives and intentions of others, especially those who may attempt to deceive you or take advantage of you in some way. Owl also helps you to recognize that there is a dark side to your nature that should not be ignored or repressed. You need to see that it is there so you can come to terms with it.

Owl is symbolic of discernment and the need to look out for deception. You have to see to know. You have to know to see.

Honor intuition. Use discernment. Outsmart deception. Trust your first impressions.”

So, I am trusting my first impression which is to communicate with Owl, to engage. You have to see to know. You have to know to see. Who? Who? Who? Well, that would be me...and you, and you, and you. That’s Who.

Just one drop

Just one drop

In a sea of billions

Of drops

That is what I am

It has been almost two years since my last blog post. I think this is a perfect time to come back. My last post was about the magical loving place known as a musical festival of the folk variety. It was my first but certainly not my last. I didn’t go to that particular one last year but I am so looking forward to going back this year. 

Music. Festival. Loving. Living. Harmony. Melody

My first music festival was a small private affair in the middle of nowhere somewhere in the desert southwest. I had agonized about going. I was still married then but we were heading for the ending that was coming. I didn’t quite know it then nor did I have the freedom to know what that would feel like so I was still in the frozen place that was my confidence to do/be who I was. But, in spite of the agony of do I go, do I not go, should i invite him to go, do I want him there, no I don’t, am I allowed to feel that way?...I went. I went without him and I had an amazingly relaxing time where I felt free to be where there were happy, music loving, accepting people. People that wanted to be there and wanted to be there with other happy, music loving, accepting people. I had found my people.

I remember laying there in my tent that first night as others were arriving late, car doors opening and closing at least a hundred times and I remember thinking how mad that would have made him had he been there and how it didn’t bother me in the least.

The feeling at that folk music festival (and every one I have been to since) gave me the most connected feeling to a bunch of fellow inhabitors of this planet, I have ever felt. 

Connection. One of the myriad values that I am embracing as mine own. Like drops in the ocean are connected so are we. 

Since my, what now seems inevitable, divorce, I have been to several more folk festivals. They have all been the same amount of amazing. I have met new beautiful, talented Beings and have enriched existing friendships and family relationships so I know I am on to something good for me here. 

This coming May I am going back to that small private affair and there is no agonizing this time. I just say YES to going and to enjoying and being a part of the love that is a folk festival. I don’t agonize about too much these days. At least not like I did then. I still have things being worked out, being worked on and stuff of that nature. I would like to bring this blog back to life so if you like what you read here and havent’t subscribed...maybe try that now. :-) I feel like this is a friend I am writing to so let’s just say that we are. Friends. Connection. Just One Drop.

Where were we?

Where were we 
I had asked
I think that we were 
in a magical place 
where people are loving and kind 
They shared what was theirs with others 
and they shared in return 
They were happy and blessed 
to be in this place 
They came as equals 
and left as friends 
But the very best part of this place 
was the energy of love 
that was there 
for them all 
to embrace in the music
the smiles, the warmth 
They were free to embrace 
that love energy 
that was given to each one 
and each one extending 
back out again 
which only made it stronger 
and more pure 
It was a magical place
That's where we were

#roadtorichs #weareallone

A kayak lesson

I could kayak here.

I am taking a kayak lesson tomorrow evening. Here in the desert. Not at the sea...but maybe someday I will. Kayak in the sea that is.

I am feeling the winds of change. I am feeling things I have never before felt in my life. Strange is change. 

I am becoming a vegetarian. I have never really liked meat. Well, maybe bacon...some. I am giving it up though. Except when it smells really good and I just can't go without at least a bite. As my sister says about her vegetarianism/sometimes veganism...it isn't a religion. 

I also started coloring. My friend and neighbor down the road gave me two adult coloring books and a 60 pack of colored pens. Glorious! Who knew?? I LOVE this activity where I can just BE with color and making design and getting completely lost in the moment and the pure joy of coloring. 

It kind of makes it hard to get anything else done but...but...is there anything else to do really? Okay, maybe I should eat...a little.

I have done much reflection this winter. I have gone within and found myself there. That can be a scary place if you aren't wearing your seat belt. I read Anne Lamott yesterday. She says that Grace is when you ask for Help...but warns you to wear your seat belt after asking...no one told me that so I have been feeling kind of catapulted. I think I am just kind of rocking at the moment. You know like when your 3 year old grandson doesn't want you to leave to go the 800 miles back home and he rocks you while you are hugging him goodbye? Yeah, like that.

I am spending time alone. I am so grateful for the opportunity to do this. I am finding out that I am an okay person by myself. I think I thought I would be lonely by myself. I don't think I gave my Self enough credit. My Self kinda likes being alone so she can know what she hears in her heart is her thoughts, her wants, her needs. That is all that is asked of at this time. Oh. That isn't too much to ask. No. That sounds like the kind of thing that might actually be expected in this life. Oh. I didn't realize. Be still then and listen. Nice...hear that music? I like that station on Pandora. 

So, these are some of my thoughts on a Monday evening in the mountain desert of New Mexico. It is supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow. Do you know how very exciting that is to desert dwellers? Mucho!

I am taking a kayak lesson tomorrow evening. Here in the desert. Not at the sea...but maybe someday I will. Kayak in the sea that is.

Reflections of a Rag Rug

I have been weaving since 1997. Since that time I have been collecting rags in the form of old sheets, clothes and other fabrics. One end of my attic is full of baskets of discarded fabric of one type or another. One basket is just full of old jeans. And all alone they have sat for years and years. 

Back when I first started weaving I wanted to save up enough of this scrap fabric to someday make rag rugs but in the meantime I learned to weave with wool yarn, cotton yarn and the wondrous chenille yarns that make such soft and sultry scarves.

I was first introduced to weaving at an art festival in Magdalena, NM. I fell in love with Navajo weaving and watched in utter amazement as a wonderful Navajo woman named Isabel wove while sitting on a pillow on the floor. It was magical how she skillfully wove each piece of weft yarn by hand in and out of the warp. I was mesmerized. Next I saw Swedish looms and the colorful rugs and tapestries that the woman in this weaving community had on the walls of the display.

I had never considered myself crafty or creative but this...this I wanted to do.

And so I bought a Swedish loom from a neighbor down the road that happened to be a successful weaver, well known in the weaving circles of my state and beyond. The loom was  then  25 years old and she had maintained it lovingly. It is a  beautiful piece of furniture that,, once purchased, became a working piece of art in the home we had just built. And then I bought a book and taught myself to weave. 

That was in 1997 and I still weave on that loom. My husband built me a Navajo style loom then too but I never did get the hang of the tension of the warp. I never actually completed my first project on it. Probably because the talented Navajo women teach their craft to others orally and by demonstrations and not by writing books so it was just harder to learn. But I did learn  how to make all of the staples on my Swedish floor loom. Staples like scarves and place mats, baby blankets...all the easy but fun stuff. I gave most of it away as gifts and sold a few things too. It was fun and I even thought I would sell my weaving for a living and in 2005 I quit my job to build our second, and current, straw bale home and then I was going to switch careers and weave full time. That didn't happen and in fact I took a 3 year hiatus from weaving. But slowly I got around to weaving again and when I did it was with rags. 

I finally completed my first rag rug a few years ago. I had a couple of hurdles to get past and it took me a long time to figure them out. One was that I hate to sew. All of that fabric in those baskets were going to need to be cut up. That was actually the first hurdle. Cutting up jeans, shirts and whatever else had accumulated in those baskets over the years was going to be painful...literally... to cut each "rag" into the strips I was going to need to fashion a rug out of these seeming rags. And then the second hurdle...sewing the short strips into long ones. Did I mention I hate to sew? 

Over the years I met a few rag rug experts at shows and shops. I learned two important concepts... the tearing of sheets into strips and, the best of all, NO sewing needed. The sewing machine that I bought several years ago still sits, mostly untouched. I don't care. If you saw the shirt I attempted to make for myself in Home Ec class you would understand my disdain. You would also understand my new found glee that it wouldn't be necessary to dust off that machine and become one with it after all. 

This is my third rag rug. Its dimensions are 33X66" and it is called 
Raspberry Cactus Sky

The part of weaving a rag rug that I love the most is what is captured in the photo above. As I put together different color of sheets, warp yarn and accent pieces I have a general idea of the color combination but I have absolutely no idea what those combinations are going to create as a finished rug. And the beauty of that is I don't even know what the creation is until I take it off the loom and unroll it. But for each 6-8" that I have in front of me at all times I have ongoing glimpses of what the finale will look like. I am fascinated at each crank of the loom wheel. 

It is a humbling sort of experience for me. I love how the rug actually seems to make itself. I just place the different color fabric in random order. Sometimes following a sequence I become comfortable with and other times totally changing it up just to see what comes into my 6-8" window next.
Then when I unroll it I get to see what it is that it wanted to be. I am as astounded as anyone could be by what my eyes behold. And this brings me much joy. 

I am almost done braiding the ends and then my beautiful Raspberry Cactus Sky will be for sale. I am selling my rugs for $150 presently. I think this is a fair price at this point. I have been weaving for 18 years minus that 3 year break so there is a bit of experience in the mix. If you are interested let me know via email at terri.sunflower@gmail.com

If you have read to this point I thank you. I want to write about weaving as a way to honor the act of the craft itself. Selling a rug or two while doing that would be a bonus and was an afterthought so don't feel obligated just because you read to this point. In fact, I would love a comment or two about this blog and anything you've read here on Rainwalker Mesa. Life is good here. Thanks for stopping by... 

Love Energy

Right Now

In this moment I feel grateful to have the tiniest inkling of what I really am

Stillness

Be still with me

Sit here and feel what I am

Energy

Don't try to create it, it is already

Release all gripping

There is nothing to hang on to anyway

Know this present energy

This wave or thread

This ripple of energy

This love is you

Let go and relax into that

This is who we are

Though we aren't even a who

We just are

The man sitting across from you exists in this same reality

He is energy...Love Energy

The body this energy resides with

Is eventually only dust

The real man over there isn't a man at all

There is no gender, no race, nor class

Just energy

This God that your religions talks about

Is this same Love Energy

The only difference is that it knows what

It is in every moment

Of which, there is only one

Love has always been the answer...but what does it mean to love yourself?

What if we could change this world we see?

What if we could think something new?

Would that be too scary?

What if we could change me and you?

Our thoughts have the power to make it all look gray

Our words have the power to to take it all away

Our actions have the power to hurt or to heal

Nothing really matters 'cept how we feel

There is a way to change the story

There is an idea for us to ponder

Reach inside for all the answers

If you can imagine you must wonder

The world we see right now

Isn't the only reality

We can think new thoughts and make it better

A better world for you and me

It will take a lot to make this work

There are no more prophets to hear

We are the ones that have come

To save us from a world of fear

Love has always been the answer

We must be our own best friends

Love ourselves to love another

Then the cycle of hate will end

I wrote this poem last week and will likely turn it into a song as I am long to do these days. But I questioned myself this morning about what it means to love ourselves. I have given this advice to two people I love recently and both of them were hurting at the time. It didn't exactly fall on deaf ears but I could feel the question...how do I do that exactly when I feel so bad right now??

Does it mean that you try your best to fall in love with the human characteristics that make up what we appear to be on the outside? I think not. I think it means that we come to a place where we are in touch with the LOVE that IS us. To love ourselves means that we go inside and get acquainted with the LOVE that is always there, always present, because it cannot not be. That is what my friend Noelle is referring to when she tells someone they are "magnificent". It doesn't mean the art you just created or the song I just wrote nor how shiny your hair is nor how bright your smile may be. And yet it does because it also refers to the LOVE within you that is shining outward because you tapped into it and allowed it to be shared. That is when we are loving yourselves. 

We don't always feel good about life. We have good days and bad days but that love is always there inside ready to guide us to be at peace in this moment no matter what is going on in our outside world. 
But how to access this wondrous balm we are all ARE? I suppose it is different for each of us. I don't know anything for sure. There are lots of books that have been written, lots of songs that have been sung about love and how to find it. For me, it is to go inside and notice that inner silence, the still small voice and sit with her, get to know the LOVE there. Sometimes it comes to me when journaling and a poem just comes out of nowhere (just like the one I wrote on this page). This is when I feel connected and at peace. It is as if a muscle because the more I go there the easier it becomes to hear and feel this true self, the inner voice that is this energy I call LOVE. Others call it God and I don't mind that at all. It is what we are, what we have always been and what we will forever be. 
So, on those bad days when someone tells you to love yourself more, before we hit them or walk away in disgust, maybe we could remember who and what we really are and feel that love for ourselves. I like to think of it as the love I knowingly give to my grandchildren with that really sincere smile on my face going inward as a gift to myself. It feels really good when I remember to do that when I am otherwise feeling bad. That is what it means to be your own best friend. Allow yourself to give to you what you give to others. Like praise and patience, time and tenderness. We so easily give it to the ones we love...hmm. Ones we love but not ourselves...
Love has always been the answer and maybe THAT is what is means to love ourselves. 

We can change the way we see the world
We can think something new
We can love ourselves and each other
We can change me and you

Reflections

Is it a lake full of clouds or a sky full of water

Are we bodies with a soul or souls with bodies

Does life happen while we are awake during the day 

or dreaming at night

Is one person wrong and the other one right

Who are we really and why are we here

What is real and what is only perception

I see the clouds in the lake and the lake in the sky

Am I the only one having this misconception

So many questions running through my head

While I have been distracted by pain and lying in my bed

Meditating and pondering on what has been said

Thinking of the future and where I have been led

Going within...I get comfortable here

Slowly making connection to Source

It is undeniably there

I can find all the answers inside if I dare

To slow down and listen to my Inner Being

The wise, calming Presence

The life force that gently guides me

This is my Eternal Essence

But seldom do I hear it

When there's too much noise inside my head 
 Over the years that seems to be changing
I am allowing and opening instead

Just breathe, in and out

Get quiet and very still

Remember and feel the Divine

I can Be that if I will

Mother Nature, a song

I sort of challenged my self  to write a new song the other day while watching the sun set and here it is...
The sun is setting...pinks and gold
Color the sky, beautiful and bold

Mother Nature has a way of making me feel small
The problems of this world
Aren't Her problems at all.

Sun and moon, stars and sky
Never fail to make me wonder why

The rain has fallen on the desert land
The smell reminds me that my senses can
Appreciate the wonder and awe
That life begins again and again

Mother nature has a way of making me feel small
And the problems of this world aren't Her problems at all

Sun and moon, stars and sky never fail to make me wonder why

The sun is setting, the day is nearly done
The trials and tribulations...they could never have won..cuz

Mother Nature has a way of making me feel small
And the problems of this world, aren't Her problems at all.

Sun and moon, stars and sky never fail to make me wonder why...wonder why.

September Skies at Night

The milky Way
September skies
At night
Makes me think
Of times gone by
When first I laid eyes on them
Searching for something else
Ever since that moment
So small in the Universe
The millions of eyes in the
Night glow of the September
Night skies stare back at me
All knowing
Even in the daylight
When those skies are brilliant blue
They spy, those knowing skies
They spy and wonder who
Who am I to stare beyond my universe,
My world and wonder what
What it is I came here for
And what it is I should do
Maybe there is someone there
There beyond the clouds
staring back down at me
And wondering
Wondering how
How it is that they are there
There beyond my view
Viewing their world
Their universe
And never wondering who.

Picture Perfect

"The perfect outcomes are already selected. The right path will be revealed and perfectly shown." I am becoming "one who peacefully trusts this process."

Those first two sentences came from a prayer I read today written to welcome in the new moon tomorrow. The third sentence I changed up just a bit  because I AM changing and becoming more accepting of who I am and how I got to be this person that I am today. 

I am not perfect to anyone else but me. Unless you have the ability to see others as perfect exactly as they are in this moment. That is what I am birthing with this new moon. Not perfection but birthing the ability to see things, people, situations as perfect in their respective moments. 

"Change me O Divine Beloved into one who can breathe and relax into this holy birth...allowing all to open and unfold just as it needs."

Everything happens for a reason. 

I have always believed these words to be true. Sometimes it is hard to find or see the reason but that doesn't mean that it isn't there right in front of us. Sometimes we don't want to see the reason. Sometimes we just want to be angry or hurt or let our ego run amok so that if we saw the reason we would be forced to reason with the logic of the everything that has happened. Read that one again if you need to because that my friends is what I have learned from my life in the last week. 

I was forced to reason with logic (and my heart and soul) and find the real reason that a simple phone call had upset me so. What a gift!! 

Triggers. You have heard of trigger points in the body...those little tight balls of pain in your neck and shoulders? Yes? 

Well, our emotions and feelings have trigger points as well. They are there for a reason. They are there for us to go inside...way deep down inside at times and press even harder on those points until they tell us why it is they are there. Patterns. Usually you have developed a pattern in relation to how you cope with certain stimuli in your life. These patterns can be very helpful in times of stress but can also be very hurtful if they are not allowing you to feel the emotions you need to feel...and release.

Feel and release. Have you ever been too afraid to feel something? Have you known that maybe you have stuffed some emotion in your past because at the time you weren't ready to deal with it? Later, maybe you thought now, now I can let that come up for me and get it out. But as soon as you start to reflect on the occasion it feels pretty painful again so you just stuff it back down there for a better day. Try to just feel and release instead of stuffing it back down again. Feeling it for the moment doesn't mean dwelling in it. It doesn't mean reliving it. It only means that you recognize that the event caused you some pain, anger, fear, whatever and that you now release it from your being. That way the trigger gets released and you move on. You begin to feel lighter and more confident that you could just possibly start to feel and release even more and deeper trigger points in your emotional body. 

Another revelation I had this week is that as caregivers...many of us are walking around as wounded healers. We are constantly in search for better cures, better methodologies and better outcomes for the ones we are caring for. As healthcare professionals we are usually in search of these things for our patients, clients, family and friends. But let's go back to the wounded healer because that is where we get off track. In search of these new treatments we forget that it is us that is really needing them and we neglect our own healing. We go to seminars, learn new skills, go off on tangents of new age, alternative health so that our knowledge base will increase. What we don't remember though is that the knowledge is within us. Everything we need to know to heal ourselves is inside us right now. You don't have to be a healthcare professional or alternative healer to be in this scenario but if you are you may, if your anger, hurts and ego will step aside, see yourself here. Ask yourself why do I keep learning and learning, giving and giving and still I have unresolved issues that I cannot seem to be done with. 

I think it is because we are trying to help others before we help ourselves and that in doing so we can never get to a place of healing. I have now been a nurse half my life. I am only now finding the healing that I have so desperately needed and I did not find it by learning new healing skills other than what I already had inside me. I am learning acceptance. I am learning forgiveness. I am learning unconditional love. For me, those are the skills that I can use for myself to feel and release, to become the best version of me that I can be.

I have to acknowledge that there are people in my life that I am very blessed to have that help me help myself. Some are family and some are not but they are all my best friends in the very sense of those two words. They don't just tell me what I want to hear. They challenge me to think and feel and become the best version of me that I can be. I want to thank each and every one of you. You make me smile on the inside! And I love you so...

Sunshine on a cloudy day

There is a 30% chance of snow today. It is supposed to be cloudy out there...how else would we get snow if not for clouds but there are none. The land is very dry. We had a wonderful Monsoon season this year but once that faucet dried up so did everything else. Do I care what the weather brings? Does it matter if the forecasters are wrong in their predictions and we don't get that blessed moisture the mesa so dearly desires? Maybe not. If everything happens for a reason then there is a reason that the sun is shining when it is supposed to be cloudy. Maybe somewhere in these west central mountains of New Mexico someone is sitting sadly in their home unable to face a day of clouds. Maybe the sunshine is just what they need to make it through another day.It is supposed to get colder here as well. High of 44 they say...it is 10:30 in the morning and my thermometer reads 47. Maybe that same person might be able to go outside and take a little walkabout because it isn't cloudy and oh-so cold. Who of us knows what we each need in this very moment? Is there really a little voice in our heads or hearts that we could listen to and know exactly in each in every moment what we need? I would say yes. I would say that if we could get quiet and listen we would hear that soothing voice inside telling us what to do or where to be or to just breathe. I listened to that voice inside me this past week and wrote a letter that needed to be written to someone I have never met. I mailed that letter too and it felt good. I did what I said I was going to do and that alone felt good, empowering. I might never know if the letter will have any effect on the person(s) it was intended for but that is okay too. My voice inside told me that what mattered most was that I wrote it and I sent it and for me my work was done. It is up to the receiver to listen to their own voice, or not. That is a good lesson for me as well. I can only listen to my inner voice and I cannot make anyone else listen to theirs...no matter how loud I might want to speak I am not their inner voice now am I? 
So, it isn't looking like snow today. It is creeping toward the middle of December already. Many people have decorated for the holidays and are going to parties to celebrate the season. My husband and I were guests of my parents last night at the Historical Society's annual Christmas party. It was nice to go and see so many people taking part in the community that we live in out here in this vast land with more elk per square mile than humans. There was a lovely harpist playing in the background...music is food for the soul. Music is what sustains us in so many instances. I have been learning to play the guitar for the last couple of years and have found my singing voice in the process. What I have learned is that if I am playing and singing for my own enjoyment then it is food for MY soul but if I am worried about how I sound to others then it is depleting instead of nourishing. I cannot have my soul starving so I play for me. Doing the things that bring us joy whether musically related or not may be the most important things we can do for ourselves while we are here...in this life. If you aren't doing the things that bring you joy what are you doing? I think I might be very blessed to have gleaned this little tidbit and therefore I am going to endeavor to remember to do the things, or at least one of them, every day. Today, I am writing...this brings me joy. The thermometer continues to rise...the sky is still blue...it brings me joy to be outside and take a walk so before those clouds decide to materialize I am going to get out there and breathe in the sunshine and relative warmth while it lasts! May we all do something that bring us joy. What a happy world we would have...many blessings to you this day!

Black Friday...has a new meaning for me now

I met a beautiful, artistic, and firecracker of a woman in April of this year in a town about an hour away. My husband met her before I did and remarked to me that I would certainly find in her a friend...he said we were cut from the same cloth. We hit it off immediately and had an opportunity in May to spend some time together as we drove four hours for an all day workshop the next day. We talked the entire trip, on breaks from the class and all the way home and found lots in common. Except for one thing. She had breast cancer. She, after being treated harshly and "like a number", by a surgeon in the biggest city in our rural state, decided to go the natural path to wellness. She was seeing a Naturopath doctor and eating only whole foods, drinking teas, taking lots of supplements and other alternative treatments. I, being a nurse, had slightly mixed feelings about her choice but was convinced by her enthusiasm that she was doing the 
right thing for herself. In fact, I grew to admire her decision and applauded her commitment to the strict regimen of her natural treatments. Her husband, who I have not yet met (but sounded a bit like my own), supported her in her decision. Her sisters however, gave her quite the hard time over it and attempted to change her mind at every opportunity. She came from a big family and was the baby so that must have been somewhat intimidating for her. Time went by as it always does and I hadn't seen her since July. I knew at that time that she was having tests done to check the progress of the cancer and make sure things were on track. I never found out the outcome of those tests as they were being put off at the time. In early November I learned that things had gotten much worse for her and that she was in hospital in and that the town was having a benefit to help raise money for her hospital bills. One person told me..."at least she is now getting treatment", which I took to mean 
chemotherapy. She must have been feeling so defeated. I prayed for her but did not make the three hour journey to visit her in hospital as our time together was so brief I felt like it was a time for family and not a passing (if not friendly) stranger. Last night I heard at my own dinner table that she passed away on Friday...BLACK Friday to be exact. She left behind her husband and one son, in his early to mid 20's who was attending university. I am so saddened by this news. No, we didn't have a long history together but there was certainly a connection. One of those connections where, when you meet, you feel like you had known them your whole life.

I am still proud of my friend for making the decision she made in treating her body of this horrid disease. She didn't fail. She succumbed in the end but not without taking a journey that she might never had taken otherwise. She found that life is more than mean people, more than being a number, and more than just doing what you are told to do by those who consider themselves the authority. I will miss her, I already do. 

Grandkids come to the Mesa!

 My son Josh and wife, Nichole and their boys Jamie and Landen came to visit last week. It is a 16 hour drive and my daughter in law is pregnant so it was a an awesome gift that they gave us in coming. Plus they brought our granddaughter, their niece, Annie, which was very generous indeed. We are so grateful to them for making the long trek...here are some of the highlights from the visit.

 Our granddaughter Annie is a beauty and a charmer. Her beautiful smile will win over the worst of moods on anyone! Our DIL Nichole, who is having yet another boy, spent 20 minutes blow-drying and curling her lovely hair. I snapped the photo before the evidence of the hard work disappeared.

 These 3 kiddos can ham it up at a moment's notice and they do a pretty good job don't you think?! After this shot we went for a picnic on Rainwalker Mesa while the parents went to Pie Town for lunch and PIE!!

 Grampa is having just way too much fun here!! Hang on tight kids!

 The great grandparents got a visit too. Nice to have us all on one mesa top eh? Josh and Nichole helped Grandpa and Grandma paint a doorway and put up a screen door on their new house. Thanks guys!!

 So, here is my favorite part...Annie is singing while Jamie plays the guitar in the background. You know I am in heaven here!!! Annie loved the microphone. She was hesitant at first but she really got the hang of it. Jamie just beamed with a guitar in his hand. Someday I hope, as he gets a little older, that he picks it up again and outshines his Emma in his talent and ability! In the meantime I have written another song that I have dedicated to him. 

 Annie and our newest family member, Kittybird, hit it off nicely. Kittybird takes a lovely picture doesn't she?

 We went on a quick hike at the Datil Well before going to milk the goat that provides me with the milk I drink. The kids loved Emma's goat milk!! Yay!

Emma and Jamie at the Luna Rodeo. The kids had never been to a rodeo before and it was quite a hit! Our visit was very special and many wonderful memories were made. 

It is hard to explain what it is like to have grandchildren. They are more than the children of your children but at the same time that is what makes it so special. Thank you to all my children for giving me this pleasure in my life!